I know you yankees have only had him for a year now, but we’ve had to put up with Damien Rice and his meek and humble super-stardom for over four years. He’s a media darling, even celebs like Renee Zellweger lust after him and praise him for free. His song the blowers daughter (or the’ I can’t take my eyes off you’ song, as many of you will no doubt know it), was used in the movie Closer, which everyone went to see to get a glimpse of Natalie Portman in the nip.

Here’s a bit of history on Damien Rice. He was the lead singer of a band called Juniper, who were a mildly successful irish five piece. in 1999, they stuck a deal with Polygram to fly (All expenses paid) to the south of France to record an album with Manic Street Preachers producer Mike Hedges. It was a dream come true for them, except for Damien, who decided to quit the band and fuck off on holidays to Italy the day before they were due to go, thus destroying their one shot at recognition and success.

In his eternal wisdom, here’s what he said about it. “I would look back on things I did and say ‘I wouldn’t do that again’ but if I hadn’t have done it, I wouldn’t have learned that I didn’t like doing it”.And yet, now he’s doing it again, only without a backing band. In 2001, he released his first single, The Blower’s Daughter. (Yes, that’s right, it’s four years old). It ‘Shot’ in to the Irish top 20. Now, Ireland is a small country, and while the top 20 may be a big deal in America, it’s not that big a deal here – back in the 90′s, we had a compilation album called A Woman’s Heart that actually stayed in the top 40 for over two years. In 2002, he released his album, ‘O’ on which The Blower’s Daughter was released, also featured the songs Amie,Volcano and Eskimo, which were all Juniper songs.

Since the release of that album, songs off it have won awards, been nominated for awards, used in Alias, CSI, Closer and the Irish film A Dublin Story. In the last three years, Damien has release a single other CD, with b-sides that had been available as MP3s on his website from 2002, and covered 4 songs, (three by Antonio Carlos Jobim, and one by Pink).

Lets recap on that. ONE Album in FIVE years. People are still raving about the songs and using them for soundtracks. The only singers who get away with releasing a single album to such attention are ones that meet a with a tragic and untimely death. Even Jeff Buckley managed to release another album after he drowned – how come Damien Rice can’t manage it when he’s very much alive?

And as for the actual songs, they aren’t that great! The best song on the album his sung by his sometime girlfriend and full-time backing-singer/roadie Lisa Hannigan. And even though its a pretty good song, its her vocals that make it excellent. But can he let her have one song on the album? No. In a Tom Cruise move, he tacks on another song onto the end of I remember. Its clearly a totally different song. Why isn’t there a track mark between them? Because if there was, it would mean the best song on Damien rice’s album did not feature Damien Rice. And everyone would realise that Lisa is the real star, even though she’s currently a glorified groupie.

And what the hell is with the shitty drawings that make up the cover of the albums, singles and the bulk of the website? He’s an art college dropout apparently. No surprises there then. I hate that shitty kind of “its so good because its not any good” modern art bollocks. But that’s for another post.

And that’s why Damien Rice Sucks Balls.

In case any of you are wondering what happened to the band members he stabbed in the back, they went on to form BellX1, a very successful Irish band who coincidentally, didn’t steal any of Damien Rice’s songs for their album, Music In Mouth